Yes, there is a part of me that craves the allurement of sensuality, especially the allurement of unbridled sexual pleasures. At times I want to push the boundaries of what is acceptable, I want to wade into the worlds of complete unbridled sexual passions. There are times when fucking a random girl, the classic modern hook-up, is as enticing as loving sex with a steady, long term partner. There is a certain thrill to anonymous sex. I have done both in my life, many times. Although fucking the random girl has become less appealing over the course of my life, those desires can still well up occasionally. I feel them now, tonight.
So what is it? Is it a spike in testosterone today? A shift in hormones? Or is some demon whispering in my ear to let my mind be filled with all sorts of filthy sexual thoughts. Right now I crave the slut, the girl who is unbridled in her love of cock, the girl who loves to fuck as much as me. They are out there, I know, because I have enjoyed their company many times, many nights.
Perhaps these thoughts will pass in a few minutes, or a few hours, but tonight they are there. And they are more than simply thoughts; they are desires and passions coursing through my body. I actually feel hotter, more aroused, more sensitive to everything tactile, especially in the sexual realm. And it is a delightful feeling. The feeling of arousal is delightful, and I wonder why it is considered so wrong by so many religions? Perhaps the feelings and sensations are not wrong; but rather acting on them is. Nevertheless, it is hard to separate these things. I know certain things are bad, wrong, are sinful, yet they are so hard to resist when they are setting your body aflame. If you feel sexual arousal you seek release. Sexual desires do burn.
But the conquest, the raw pleasure of pure sex, sex for the sake of sex, of two people using each other for nothing more than physical enjoyments, is a powerful allure right now. Porn is enticing; I want to see beautiful people fucking; I want to join in; I want girls to enjoy it too. I love knowing that women masturbate too, that they get turned on by filthy stories and even images. I love knowing how sexual so many women are, that they have filthy minds too. Yes, the filthiness of my mind can be boundless. Will I walk freely into the abyss once again, seeking that darkness, seeking those forbidden pleasures? Sexual release is making its harsh demands upon my body once again, like a volcano rumbling and shaking the earth before finally exploding into a fury of hot rock and streaming lava…
I want to give an old lover a call tonight…but I also want to feel close to God too. And I know if I succumb to the desires of the flesh tonight, I will feel distant from God tomorrow. And I know feeling close to God is ultimately a stronger, deeper feeling than these desires I am burning with at the moment. Yet I am so weak at times…