Lust can overtake us in any place…
Warning: Adult, graphic material. Read at your own discretion.
As I mentioned in my last post, recently I have been overcome by sexual desires. These desires built and built, like summer storm clouds, until finally they burst, unleashing their fury within me. Now, the storms of lust have passed by, and I sought release, through masturbating. My Church says this is a serious sin. Throughout my life I have gone through periods of no masturbation, but after going a few weeks, or a couple of months, I cannot take it anymore and find myself on the verge of exploding. The longest I have ever gone has been three months.
Recently, I went almost two months without masturbating. Only once in that time did I give in to the guilty pleasure. The other night, however, I fell again to the temptation. After shooting about a gallon of pent up semen from my aching balls, the next day I felt wretched. However, I did it again the following night and the next day I did not feel so bad. I had about a half of gallon of cum to release that night. I did it again the night after, and so on. By the end of the week I was back to my more normal quart of cum per explosive ejaculation. My balls felt better. (And by the way, for all you PUA’s out there, chicks love it when a guy can come a lot. They take it as a personal compliment on their sexual attractiveness and will think you to be quite the stud and will usually come back for more).
So what brought all this on? When I am surrounded by the delights of spring, all those lovely girls, I am consumed by lust. Still, the tension remains with my beliefs. Am I going to hell? Sometimes I wonder if masturbating is so wrong? Then sometimes I think it is not good for you at all. Sometimes I like to masturbate on a daily basis, either to some good porn or to my own thoughts and memories of past lovers or girls I would like to fuck now, but haven’t–yet. Even with lovers, I like to masturbate. Watching a girl masturbate is incredibly hot. Knowing that most girls masturbate is also very hot.
I have no answers for this. I can understand the problematic nature of fornication, adultery, etc. Right now, for various reasons, I am not really interested in a relationship with anyone, so my sexual outlet is confined to jerking off. Causal sex with anonymous women or fuck buddies is also alluring, but at the moment I also am choosing not to engage in that as well. Call it a kind of partial celibacy: no sex for now, except self stimulation.
When I try to lead a completely celibate life, with no sexual stimulation or release whatsoever, I find myself searching for little ways to achieve some sort of sexual stimulation: a slightly erotic website here, a pretty girl there, an sexual thought or fantasy entertained. I find I am always pushing the boundaries, a little more each day, until I finally reach the point where I need some release. Sexual tension can be delightfully heightened through celibacy, but it is a tension that, at least for me, demands some release eventually.
So I don’t know. I admire those for whom faith is so crystal clear, clean cut, and without complications. Perhaps I am simply not trusting enough in the God’s power to overcome these things. So for me, my journey with God goes on, with all its messiness and uncertainties.